Not Too Cool for Valentine's Day

On being an insufferable teenager and learning not to be a hater.

Let’s set the scene. Highschool, 2012, 2013, 2014…take your pick. People everywhere making the poor decision to wear their UGG boots in the snow. All around you, soggy, mushy UGG boots. Girls carrying tote bags to haul around 30 pounds of textbooks because backpacks are lame (unless you’re a dude). Ahh, I can smell it now. Cheap whiskey in some guy’s McDonald’s Iced Tea cup. Hear the music, someone jangling their car keys at top volume and swirling their Starbucks Iced Coffee — indicating to all of us that they got, not only their driver’s license, but a car on top of that. Top Dog behavior.

When I was in high school, twee trends spread like the plague among the indie kids, anime kids still got picked on, and “Pick Me” behavior was off the dang charts. Like clockwork, after everyone stumbled back into the class routine after Winter Break, whispers of Valentine’s Day were in everyone’s ears.

I didn’t date in high school, simply because I 1. was a traumatized child of divorce and 2. because I had better things to do (like dick around Target with my friends, play The Sims, or throw up from raw college-application-driven panic. During my time in high school, I had a single crush on my gay best friend our senior year, a deeply humbling and character building moment for me.

In addition to personally being very anti-dating, I was also very spiteful, vindictive, and asshole-y for anyone who dated in general. Dating was so much drama among my friends. Why did we want to kiss boys? Did we know that we could be…playing The Sims? Baking Cookies? Literally anything else? I was very quick to roll my eyes and scoff at the concept of love, and above all, hated Valentine’s Day.

I would be the first person in a group to point out that Valentine’s Day was a capitalist holiday that was trying to just get you to spend stupid money on stupid useless gifts to show a fake display of "love”. It was a way for a stupid boy to try and get in your pants, and a way to spend all your part-time job money on a fancy dinner that you didn’t even want to eat. Plus, why were people so focused on declaring the depth of their love on one day of the year. If they loved you, they would show you everyday, not just on Valentine’s Day. The only good part of Valentine’s Day was the chocolate going on sale at Wal-Mart the next day.

It’s giving…insufferable.

It’s giving…the girl doth protest too much.

The deep, dark, soul crushing, embarrassing truth was…I really did want someone to date me, and love me, and buy me flowers. I simply knew that no one at my small podunk high school was going to be that person for me, and that crushed me. I could barely stand to be around any kind of boy during this time without grinding my teeth (and yes, by the way, I did have a moment where I wondered if I was gay. Turns out, not gay, just a hater).

One common theme in my life for sure: if I can’t have it, I’ll be above it. I can’t find a Valentine? Then fuck Valentine’s Day. Hearts are dumb! Only losers celebrate capitalism! I am above it all and better and cooler than everyone! Valentine’s Day, more like Singles Awareness Day! Pick me, pick me, pick me!

If I could go back in time, I would grab young me by the shoulders and shake her. I would look directly into her (our?) eyes and say: “Hating Valentine’s Day will not make your Prince Charming appear out of the ether, it’ll only piss off your friends! Literally stoooOOOOOOOoop!”

And now we’ve reached the point of this blog post where time passes and I begin to undergo Personal Growth and Character Development. Because the days of moldy UGG boots are behind us, and I fucking love Valentine’s Day.

I honestly can’t remember if I started liking Valentine’s Day because I met my husband or not, because my husband and I have been together for like a thousand years (see: 9). Regardless now, I’m all in.

You may be a Valentine’s Day skeptic, and yes, I’ll agree with you on some points. Is it a holiday that basically exists so that people spend money? Yes. Can we agree that spending money on people you love can also be fun? I THINK SO. Is it true that you should do nice things with your partner outside of the Valentine’s holiday? Yes! Can we agree that it’s fun to have an excuse to go on a nice date with your partner. AGAIN, I THINK WE CAN.

For example: I signed my husband and I up for a croissant making class for Valentine’s Day this year. Could we have done a croissant making class at any point during the year? Of course. But we are people who have jobs and chronically ill cats and not a ton of free time. We would not think to take a croissant making class. Enter: holiday that encourages you to think up cool date ideas, Google.com, and love-driven determination. My husband and I are now signed up to make croissants, a thing we decided to do because we love each other and love to have an excuse to do stuff for each other, not because the jaws of capitalism are forcing us to.

As for the cheesy heart-shaped chocolate boxes and the dozen red roses? What can I say? I love cheesy. Now, do I think that the drive towards overconsumption has lead to an abundance of Valentine’s goods that will some day become landfill fodder? Also yes. It’s possible to believe both. I’m a complex woman, what can I say.

As you get all ooey-gooey into love bug season, of course we should think with sustainability and support in mind. If it’s accessible for you to shop your local chocolatier and choose in-season flora from the local florist to gift your Boo-Thang, then of course do. But that option is financially inaccessible to many people who still want to express love to the ones they love most. Either way, I think a mindset of “intent” (hmmm, what will my boyfriend do with this enormous pink bear come February 15th?) comes in to play.

My first year of teaching, I came home on Valentine’s Day and cried on the couch (because…first year of teaching). After disassociating and questioning my life choices for an hour, my husband came home with grocery store roses and a box of chocolate. We watched tv later. Arguably one of our best Valentine’s Days.

If you are an Anti-Valentine’s Day Advocate, maybe I can convince you with this: it’s a made up, commercial BS holiday — so invent your own traditions for it. I’m personally loving the Galentine’s Day (perhaps a gender neutral Pal-entine’s Day, if you will) movement. You can honor your friends, your family, your pets, your co-worker that doesn’t microwave fish in the communal microwave — whatever! You could dedicate it as a day to not participate in capitalism, don’t buy anything! All in all, the rules are made up and nothing matters, so why not make up some rules of your own?

On that note…will you be my Valentine?